Have An Angel in Doggie Heaven

Pink, we miss you.

Thank you for the love and the good time!

God bless you! *kisses and tight hug!*

What Dreams May Come

this post is not about that movie of Robin Williams.

this is about a recurring dream that i am seriously and consciously attempting to not dream about repeatedly.

but this dream comes, unfolds and awakens me completely --- i am compelled to introspect, to examine and ask myself a myriad of questions that are always left unanswered anyway --- and then i dream again.

there were days that i allowed myself to swim in that pit of bottomless joy but there were days, yes, those days when i couldn't find sense in being happy after dreaming, eventually leading me to some guilt trip.

i have talked to (some) friends, asking why those dreams come.  they couldn't understand it either.

do i dare understand it? not either.  i'd just let those dreams come and go.  after all, if they are just that, just dreams, then there's nothing to worry about.  those dreams are just worth blogging on at the most siguro.

Daydreaming Dreams

There are those days that I find myself daydreaming and thinking about what I want to do, where I want to be, and all sorts of (happy) things.  These are the days when meetings bore me to death or work just becomes too toxic or when (some) people annoy me.  Sometimes, when I'm caught between crossroads or some monumental task that I couldn't seem to diskarte on, I look back at my own experiences, and take off from how I managed in the past.

And when I find myself wanting to escape from all things and people, I find myself looking back at very happy memories I have had.  There are those memories, those that even at my lowest, of heart breaks, of failed decisions, of really stupid actions, gave me strength and (some) inspiration albeit its unpleasantness.  There were always people and faces I attached to particular memories, and how I looked back at those times with fondness.  

Somehow, there are just some things and people special enough to have remained in my heart, whose memories are kept with love and affection.  And when I am all weary and beaten, I get that key to my heart, and I flood myself with good times and truly joyful thoughts.

I don't know if this post makes sense but it is one of those days when I feel I'm neither here nor there, and the only thing that reminds me of fun it is to be alive is to daydream, look back and dream awake.

intensity

i am not even talking about the earthquake here.

this week has been ccrraazzy. and when times are these toxic, people's characters are best revealed.  at most times, you discover that beyond the quiet, graceful facade is a cunning, manipulative aggressor, who is ready to pounce on you and leave you limbless.

and your thought bubble: what a fraud.

and you'd wish that everyone would be on his/her toes and be vigilant because it is a harsh reality that you live with dementors after all.

Circumstances Our Loved Ones Put Up With

i attended a wake of a PMS colleague the other night.  it became, sort of, a necro/eulogy exercise but it wasn't the usual i think.  aside from exulting the goodness of Leo, his family reminded all of us (PMS people) about how much dedication we all give to our work.  what really struck a chord in my heart was his son's sharing --- he mentioned that his father was nowhere to be found in his wedding pictures because Leo was going out, taking calls and if not outside, texting at the side.  short of saying, he was there but not at all.

how often did we laud ourselves that we managed our Time well, how expertly we tried to balance life at work and outside?  how many weekends, dinners, movie dates with girlfriends did i have to disrupt with a call or an email because i needed to delegate or i had to follow through deliverables from someone in the bureaucracy?  how often did i doze off during conversations because i was too sleepy from paumagahan work?  how often did i have to excuse myself from a lot of celebrations because i had work to oversee?  how often have i been missing in family and friends' photos?  how often did i disturb my staff's personal time too?!

too often. almost always actually that it has become a way of life.

and now the guilt and self-frustration hit me like it never affected me before.

after all my claims of balancing my work and personal lives well, it was very selfish of me to have missed on how my loved ones felt.  and my eyes had to be opened because of someone's eulogy on someone who's work was similarly situated like me, and i tell you, Leo was a mere staff (not belittling his work but emphasizing that much is expected from everyone around here.  and the higher you go, the work magnifies in scale too).  imagine, the life of a PMS manager?

please don't ask me how i plan to address this.  hindi ko pa naiisip.

ang alam ko lang, sa kagustuhan kong mahalin ang Bayan ko, may mga tao rin pala akong nawawalang-bahala.

Dreaming Big

because one of my dreams is to be known to write really good speeches, kahit opening remarks lang sa forum na team ko mismo ang nagpa-andar, kinakarir ko ang task kong ito (because i leave the organizing and tasking to my staff!),  below is the opening remarks i drafted:

 (As delivered)

Selfie Perfect: The Status of Protected Areas in the Philippines

8/F Operations Room, PMS Building, Manila

7 May 2015

OPENING REMARKS

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

I am Pie Maraya. 

On behalf of the Human Development and Environment Policy Office (HDEPO), the team behind today’s Arlegui Forum, I welcome you to this afternoon’s discussion and knowledge-sharing, “Selfie Perfect: The Status of Protected Areas in the Philippines.”

Protection. Protected. Protective. Protect.

Wow, BIG WORDS.

Let me, however, attempt to break it down to simpler, understandable concepts.

Take for example the word, PROTECTION. Its etymology from mid-14^th century included shelter, defense, keeping, guardianship.  In the late 14^th century, it was meant to pertain to “that which protects; from Old French, proteccion (puh-tez-shun), which meant “shield.”   From the old Latin, it referred to “cover in front.”

Online dictionaries define it as an act of protecting someone or something, or the state of being protected from suffering harm or injury.  It is synonymous to safekeeping, preservation, conservation, sanctuary, refuge --- which if you ask me, are BIG WORDS as well.

But in governance, protection is not a big word.  It is a monumental task. 

States protect their interests, their territories, their natural resources, their peoples.  Individuals protect their interests, their territories (or at the very least, their homes), their properties, their loved ones.

One of the major milestones in conservation policies was the enactment of the National Integrated Protected Areas System (NIPAS) in 1992.  NIPAS essentially laid the framework in delineating, managing and protecting areas while recognizing, for the first time, the rights of indigenous peoples and other local communities dependent on these resources. 

This afternoon, our discussants will touch on various levels and specific efforts in protecting our country’s natural resources --- we have our government agencies, the rule of law and its embodiment in programs.  We have groups or individuals whose collective and personal advocacies complement the State’s interventions.  

and we have all of us here.

This is the reason why this afternoon’s discussion is an opportunity to be informed and to hopefully be inspired to be involved. 

At the end of this Forum, no matter how daunting the task of protecting, conserving is, we are enabled to reflect on how we can do our share.  no matter how big these words all seem, these are doable. 

collectively and proactively, we can.

because we care.

###

Thought-full

lately, i find myself thinking about so many things.  things that i need to do, things i want to do, things i should have done, things that passed, things that could have been.  the latter thoughts are the most dangerous to dwell on.  it evokes a lot of emotions, unexpressed and expressed (then), stirs so many memories, and surfaces a number of decisions i have done (and have not done).  clearly, it also reminds me of my faults, the many mistakes i wish i avoided doing (though it does remind me too that i did well in so many levels and phases in my life.)

Shangri-la in Boracay, 17 May 2015

it is crazy.  it is an exercise i don't want to make a habit of.  but it's liberating.  it frees me from all things (people included) that i hid or stashed away temporarily in my mind because i need to make me sane.

even the littlest things trigger a thought-full exercise.  a sky so blue splashed with all those autumn colors and dotted with stars one late afternoon.  looking at the horizon where water meets the sky, i hear quiet amidst the small waves.  i taste salt in the soothing breeze.  and i look far and beyond all these, transported to many things of my past like a reel of my life in slow-mo but in several channels altogether.

i tell you i wasn't even drinking alcohol then.

i have just been really thought-full lately.  and while i write this, i realize that i'm doing this instrospection alone because my good friends are scattered all over this planet.  these are the people i can share all my dramas and musings and still not be judged for being so overly petty and shallow or extremely philosophically deep.

i am hit with a thought --- whoever said you can't have everything is so deprived.  you can have everything at THE moment.

it's just that sometimes you wish you can have that from then, that from then (super) past, this from now, and that from yesterday and this from the future.

not to be accused of being ingrata, i wish like that as of late.  i just find it so nice and ideal to be probing and poking through my past --- memories, people, things --- and mix this and that to make it one scenario that becomes a happy thought.

i don't even know why i have time to have these thoughts.  i am busy and at most, my time is spent taking care of people, of work, of the household.  i squeeze in some ME time, and i will feel so accomplished.

but then again, i miss thinking and thinking with my good friends.  kaya i'm left to think alone and from there, my thoughts go random but often purposive --- it leads me to memories and people that made me happy, at peace, and warm all over (because of love).

i do not lead a sad life.

i just think my life has become an assortment of things i do for others, always more for others than for me.  it is such an adult life. and even if i give some time for myself, i always end up hurling myself back to the reality i know, others before self.

and the only thing that's devoid of a guilt trip is my thought-full exercise.  it is when i am more relaxed and free to be random, to be lazy or to be selfish (esp. in choosing what thoughts to linger more than the others).

is this what one calls daydreaming?

whatever it is called, i like it, and i think i'd linger at it for awhile.  it reminds me how it is to be bold and young and irresponsible and then decisive and carefree and paranoid and random and active and alive.

Viva Il Papa!

Mercy and Compassion.  big words if you ask me but these are the Pope's message that resonated all through his entire stay in the country.  He is still here in fact but like what i posted on FB:

"ngayon pa lang, kahit andito pa ang Santo Papa, iniisip ko na --- ano kayang take-away ko sa pagbisitang ito?"

"How can this Visit even be more meaningful to me, esp. after when everything is over and done with?"

The Pope in our Workplace #blessed

things that you don't want to hear

"Adik."

Adik daw kasi talaga ako.

and for those who know me too well, oo. totoo yan.

sometimes that works for me, sometimes it doesn't.  that's how confusing and complicated it becomes.

my take-away from 2014

it'd probably require an honest-to-goodness Retreat, Meditation and R&R for me to be able to exhaustively review my last year.  so for blogging purposes (and as inspired from some blog posts i read lately), here is a list of my 2014 jump-off points:

1. no matter what, do your best.  be kind.  be respectful.
people will always have that tendency to talk about you, even behind your back.  they will perceive you differently and judgingly.  regardless, go on with your life.  i realized that even when i stay holed up in my office room or decide to sashay down the hallway in my kiriray way, when people want to talk about you, they will.  i just noticed that people are more insecure and nastier, which are two deadly traits when combined compared to people of before (in the workplace, i mean).  that being said, you cannot control what they want to do with their lives.  you cannot prevent them from speaking ill or spreading rumors or concocting controversies (my staff was victimized, sadly) but you can handle these better and in a correct posture.  if evidence-based, elevate your concern to an official platform (write a memo and complain!).  if things remain to be anonymous (which, i think, is the ultimate sign of cowardice! and yes, insecurity!), just continue living a life of respect and doing well in things that you do.  the best revenge to bad people is to continue to do good and show you're unaffected.  irk them with kindness and with your "business-as-usual" attitude.  you're too busy to care anyway.

2. tell people off.
for friends and loved ones, if you know they are going astray or are doing something bad/crazy/detrimental/illegal, etc., tell them off.  even when it'd hurt them or strain your relationship, speak up.  the worse you can do is allow them to go downhill spiral.  i am blessed for having friends who are frank and honest with me. they were never mum about the (stupid) decisions i made.  while i am left to live out these decisions,  they never leave me un-advised.  no matter how often unsolicited their opinions are, they are sincere and always after my well-being.  pero matigas lang talaga ang ulo ko, and in hindsight, they gave me Words of the Wise, which i didn't heed that often. ha!

3. show your gratitude.
one of the injustices people do is to not give thanks, show gratitude and recognize where credit is due.  i really think we are afforded a gazillion of ways and means to express our being grateful.  there is no small and big way.  we are, in fact, so blessed in so many ways and means too, through people and circumstances.  even challenges and trying times are blessings.  we are strengthened and allowed to know more about ourselves and the people around us.  there are more than enough reasons for us to be thankful, really.  and yes, "thank you" is still a magic word even at this Age.

4. always remind yourself that not everything is about you.
it is good to be self-aware that we are not entitled beings.  there is no such thing as self-entitlements, privileges and automatic freebies from the Universe.  even the Drama of the Universe is not about you all the time.  wag maging pabigat.  it is with Grace that i remind myself to not be truly OA and exagg, that i'm only allowed to be OA when it's fun, pakyoot OA only.  when it is the real, annoying arte, it is no longer acceptable.

5. love your Self.
'nuff said.

Writing Urge, anyone?

Thanks to Esquire’s September 2014 (where EHeads was cover), a nostalgic wave of writing hit me.  I was reading their section on Essays, and I realized that I haven’t been writing.  Well, I haven’t been writing like I used to --- prolific, consistently melodramatic and insightful.  Over the years, due to career demands and my own personal “happenings”, my writing has dwindled from passion to scarce (in terms of quantity I suppose), from painfully frank and truthful to objective (which we claimed as “technical”) and from deluge to very erratic. And whenever I get to chance upon essays or newspaper columns (even blog posts!) that are beautifully written, I always find myself saying, “I wish I wrote that myself.” or “I could have written that myself.” or “Why didn’t I think of writing about that?!”

Even when I do say I miss writing, my life is an assortment of all things that need to be done – writing not included, unless it is required for work.  There is no more “writing for my own” where I would feverishly write everything that I feel.  I used to write how I saw the world (sounding mature and all so ideal, idealistic and knowing, now all in hindsight of course!), on how I wished my world would be.  I remember writing dedicatedly more when I was in love and in a romantic relationship.  To be young and expressive, and yes, to have all the time in the world, with nary a care. I wrote about it all – in emails I wrote friends, in letters I used to send, in a blog that I have long deleted (the posts of which I didn’t bother to save! *tears up*), in love letters I sent to my past loves (how I wanted to say “lovers” but the term made me feel uneasy as if those moments were clandestine and very underground, which were very not so).  But then again, to use it like it meant “that love that compels you to go crazy and live like it’s you and me against the world” then yes, it would then be appropriate.  My colorful, love-filled young past makes me digress.

When it comes to writing, my own writing included, then I was editing and consciously checking myself for errors.  Over the years though, I have taken it easy on punctuations --- a misplaced comma here and there (but not to alter the meaning please!). But like what Teddy Locsin Jr. said in that same Esquire issue --- all these grammar rules you let slip but if you’ve been used to reading (and writing), you can easily spot a bad sentence.  I must add, it is very easy for me to read a writing without a heart.

I have a number of staff under me, and writing is our bread and butter.  For some reason, I know when they’re into what they wrote, and I tell them when they are not.  How do I know it? If they’re into writing, they are particular about everything: their choice of words is deliberate, their “storytelling” is seamless and their coherence is spot-on.  More than anything, they are careful and attentive to details because they write for The Boss, whose decisions could be anchored on what he would read from what was written.

For most times, when I am asked to write, I think I write the simplest in my team.  My sentences are often simple, the entire document is brief, and I want to claim it as coherent and compliant to what is expected.  Writing in our workplace takes mastery and experience.  It is anchored on a defined set of standards that everyone is hoped (and expected!) to adhere to.  Before I became a boss, I was a staff then and had very meticulous mentors.  In hindsight, it was easy to learn when everything is predictable and the parameters were in place.  I would want to say that, as a boss, my standards and expectations are predictable and defined.  I look for the same things, raise the same issues, ask the same questions.  Writing is this easy.  I do not even attempt to change my staff’s style of writing.  I only edit very glaring grammatical errors.  I let MS Office Apps do that job.  I am always and consistently after substance not style, and it is a known standard within the team.

How I wish, however, I could have the opportunity to read how my staff write off-work.  It must be a dream.  (Hmmm… I could probably ask them but I wonder if there would be “takers.”  I could try asking some though.)

For starters, I should go back to writing.  But when I do, I should also brace myself for opening the gates of emotions and flooding myself with realizations.  But then again, if these will compel me to write even more, then the surge of (my) innermost thoughts is welcome anytime.

And the Most Important Take-Away

The Lessons we learn.

Restraint

Two reactions I had when I heard how UP student activists treated Secretary Butch Abad: aghast and dismay.

Secretary Abad is not my favorite Secretary.   In fact, I don't think I even have a favorite among the Cabinet members.  (I do not play favorites even among my staff.  It is, I think, the ultimate sign of unprofessionalism but I digress.)

I just wished these students knew RESTRAINT and practiced it to the fullest.

But, of course, restraint, just like asserting one's rights in the context of democracy, is anchored on Respect.

Secretary Abad might not have earned their Respect but these students should know better, specially in articulating their Cause.

No matter how we hate, and with such disdain, loathe some people, do we hurt them consciously? 

I want to think that these students' parents have taught them well.  However, no matter how I tried to rationalize what they did, just so I can make their actions excusable, I cannot accept how they acted. 

I thought UP students are cut above the rest.

Probably, not anymore, and not all. 

(Kung ganyan kayo, sayang ang binabayad naming buwis. Sa iba na lang sana mapunta.)

Of Loving to the Moon and Beyond and Back

we have 5 new family members -- Abe (Abraham), Ash (Ashley), Ark (Arkin), Ace (Asia) and Ats (Athena).  Pink gave birth to them one Tuesday, when we were all on our toes, nervous, panicky and stressed while she was all cool and composed, on schedule, and napping in between contractions.  i would not know any better.  i've never been pregnant anyway.

Pink's kiddie kidlets are love.

no one exaggerated when s/he said that a baby changes the World.  call me mother of all dysfunctional OAs but having a new pup (and 5 times over at that!) is dramatic, exciting and yes, life-changing.  i also saw how having these new little ones changed Pink overnight! she is the ultimate caring, milk-producing mom but she has become less maldita, more clingy and mas masunurin to our commands.  even our household help noticed how Pink has blossomed. must be her hormones.  her coat is thicker, and she looks content.  how weird do i sound?

no.  i guess, i'm just full of joy that i'm about to erupt! i look forward to going home every day, to my time to cuddle the little ones and call them by their names.  their daily progress -- from crawling to walking, to snaking their way around to purposively moving around because they can now see a bit --- is exciting, and well quite forboding.  in 3 months, we must let go of them.  thinking about it makes me tear up, and i decided to not even give it a thought until they celebrate their 3rd month.  if i can delay it by not counting the days, so be it.  at first, i thought Abe the Kuya was my fave until one pup came after another and then there was Ats.  Ats who was so much like the beautiful Pink but as clingy and as loud as her Dada (Tom).  i talk about them like babies and real parents! how odd yet how right I feel!

funny how i was totally against keeping a pup from Pink's first litter.  i felt having 4 full-grown Huskies at home is enough party.  but seeing the 5 little ones grow every day allows me to accommodate 5 more in my heart.

they say love makes your heart expand.  it does!   it fills it with so much positivity that it feels like bursting with all goodness to keep you afloat even amidst the chaos at work!

i do sound crazy but whatever will keep me all inspired, i'm up for it!

after all, it's not every day that one feels loving so much ... so much that it goes high up to the Moon and Beyond then back .. many times over.

Commitment, where art thou?

i am the most undisciplined when it comes to my own plan to lose weight.  in the first place, i might have been delusional to believing that i have a "Plan." aside from attempting a "no rice" diet, i don't do any exercise, i don't have any back-up plan of that sort.  all i know is that i've (again) avoided drinking soda (almost a month and counting!), minimized my intake of sweets, reduced my coffee to a cup during breakfast and drank more water and more luyang dilaw tea in between.  i still eat junk food (if i have a stash! i seldom have naman.), i eat rice, with more fish and veggies. i eat more rice with my fave ulam (whatever has sabaw or sarsa).  i'm so pinoy more than ever. 

i should be more disciplined and committed, i know.  sometimes, i do have a distorted sense of self-entitlement.  i work hard, i deserve to party harder.  i work hard, i deserve to enjoy what i earn.  good food is best enjoyed with family and friends, and i am always surrounded by family and friends.  good food, good company become a reward for a good work day.  (i never had a bad work day btw. God is amaaazziinnngg!! and so is my team!)

i thought C**en is my no-fail diet tool.  i haven't had myself tested again yet because of some financial concerns.  i don't want to join the bandwagon of juicing, delivered packed lunches, etc. because i cannot sustain those.  i know myself too well.  i cannot sustain those.  either i lose interest or the initial justification for it wanes. 

while i write this, i wonder what will compel me to dedicate myself to losing weight, to a healthier life?  in the past, it takes a dramatic twist in my so-called happy, peaceful life so i lose weight: a break up.  i'm too old for break-ups! hahaha! i mean, i hope there will be no more drastic changes when relationships fail. no hair cut, no change of routine, no nostalgic, senti moments.  forty, i think, is too old for such theatrical, major prod events.

nah, i just need to do it. without fuss.  without press release. 

i should get the old Pie back. asap.

Afloat, Gazing Up

i bask in God's Grace and generosity every day.

for the many times when i feel like throwing a fit because there are those people who drive me crazy and mad, i am reminded that i need to have forbearance, patience and yes, maturity.  as boss, i have work to delegate, deliverables to complete, people to lead and inspire.

for the many times when i come across people whose primary business is to make others miserable, i am thankful that i am not like them; that i am given the chance to see how detrimental they are thus i should avoid being associated with them.  with the kind of work that i do, i meet different sorts of people, and as much as possible, i learn from them.

for the many times when things do not make sense, when trouble seems to be brewing, which i am not prepared for, when days seem to be sour, gloomy, sad and tiring, i am reminded how even the most difficult times will pass, that it is still good to be alive, no matter the circumstances.

but it is not every day that i feel so positive and joyful.  i get tired too.  i do get lonely.  i feel down.  in the grand scheme of things, i need to be comforted.  i need to feel that i am allowed to be weak.  i need to take things slow.  i need to be selfish and find more time for my lazy, stubborn, clingy self.

as i write this, i am amused with how assorted my feelings are.  i feel so validated that i am a "feeling" normal person.  i embrace my human-ness.  it assures me that power and influence have not eaten me up.  at the end of the day, there is Hope, and there is Faith that i can draw strength from.  (and there are past experiences -- i get back to recalling my SSEAYP moments so i turn giddy and excited about life again.)

And Here Comes July!

tomorrow is July 1st.  Fun.  it's not only my birthday month but it is that time of the year again: SONA (in no order of importance btw.)

i cannot overemphasize the preps required from our end for SONA  but my Life, as i turn Ruby this year, is, as far as i'm concerned, deserving more attention.  i have a reliable, competent team for SONA.  i have only myself to plan my Life for the better.  Of course, in both instances, i have God's Hand in it but i believe that I make His plan happen from my humble end.

so what exactly do i plan to do?  nothing grand.

i will:

Make each day a better one.
Smile and laugh (silly) often.
Eat in moderation.
Enjoy time with friends.
Spend more time with family.
Watch movies!
Read more books.
Persevere.
Mentor.
De-clutter.
Purge my social networking contacts.
Write/blog more often.
Sing and dance even when people are watching.
Walk often! walk more!
Save.
Travel.
Create memories.
Contact friends i have not seen nor heard about for the longest time.
Apologize to people i think i've hurt.
Pray as often and as intense.
Have more ME time without care in the world.
Understand and accept others' oddness, no matter how difficult.
Resort to peaceful means all the time.
Think happy thoughts.
Powersleep!
Spend wiser.
Work smarter.  Party harder. Rest to the max!


Love.
Respect.
Hope.

Irked In So Many Levels

(Didn't know that this is allowed here, without restriction of any sort.  Thank God! because I just need to vent..)

Even without me being part of SSEAYP, which is so known to be very rule and time-bound (Japanese way is THE way!), I have been trained to be punctual and on time because my Dad (God bless him!) is stickler for being on the dot.  He didn't have any concept of being fashionably late.  When we had to go somewhere, we had to be dressed up promptly because once he was ready to leave, we'd have to go and leave.

That is why, punctuality is important to me.  It is a sign of respect not only to my own time but of others'.  This is why I'm terribly upset when people are late.  When people can't help to be late, for reasons due to work or some emergency they cannot control, a call or an SMS as to their whereabouts or ETA is much appreciated.  At least, I know that I need not wait forever.  There is no way that I am willing to wait for a lifetime.  Wala akong ganung pagpapanggap. Utang na loob.

Likewise, I never liked short notice of anything, especially in the workplace! like meetings or cancelled meetings.  It's wrong at two points:  It is devoid of foresight, and it spells discourtesy in capital, bold letters.  What I find distasteful is the utter disregard for others' time/schedule.  Unless you're my friend or the invite is for dinner or movie, hindi ako kaladkarin.

Grounded

I guess I am at a point in my life (both personal and professional) that I am more grounded --- to realities.  Without losing sight of my aspirations, nonetheless, I do what I ought to do.

And out of sheer dramatic brilliance, I once said, ".. it's like being handcuffed, you decide to not resist because you do not want to cause your wrists any more harm.  you wait until you are free again to revenge.  and the sweetest vengeance? is to not do what has been done so poorly and wrongly.  because you know better, and you are far better anyway."

Honoring Mom

Mom celebrated her 65th yesterday without any plan of celebration.  All I had in mind was to treat her to dinner after work but she ended up treating me instead.  That's how Mom always is.

What was thought of as a simple birthday turned to be the best and most fun for her.  She was surprised the day before with an entry to Showtime, where she rocked the House yesterday with her Pilita-esque acting in one of her portions.  She was given P5K for that and a phone.  Part of the money she treated me with, she gave balato to Nanay Lol, her sister who was with her, and the rest to treat her apos.  She would be sending the phone to her oldest sister because she said, "Wala siyang sariling cellphone."  That's how Mom is --- nauuna ang iba, bago ang sarili.

So when you ask me what Heroism is for me, I will not even look far nor look back at the past and refer to Philippine History.  Heroism is about giving one's self so others do and feel better about themselves.  My Mom is like that.

When I was younger, I felt that she was an introvert relative to my extrovert Dad.  Now, in hindsight, I realized she was as strong as he was or could even be stronger.  She submitted to him and allowed him to lead our Household and when things went awry, she took the helm and saved our family from complete destruction.

She never attributed her strength to herself.  She always tells me that it is with God's Grace that she became bold and yes, brave.  Come to think of it, she grew in an environment where education was for the rich yet she had the chance to finish school because she was a working student like her sisters.  Like them, she was industrious and humble.  She never had any awareness of self-entitlement.  It must be that Generation, when people were grounded yet aspirational, thoughtful and giving.

Ever since, I felt I would only be ready to marry and have children was when I could be like Mom.  No wonder, I'm no longer married and am without a kid.  I cannot imagine to be as selfless, masipag and generous as she.  Her wants always came second (even third), our needs were always first.  She knew Service and Forbearance and lived it. 

I guess, Moms are blessed with really big hearts so they can give so much love and then God replenishes their supply automatically.  I don't remember Mom telling me there was nothing or the cupboard was empty.  She assures that we have more than enough or that it was Time to Wait.

I am thankful that Mom never judged me for the many mistakes I've had.  I never felt kinahiya niya ako because my marriage failed.  In fact, she was my stronghold because all I did was cry and keep silent, and she was the steady Presence, God's representative probably to assure me that I wasn't alone then.  When I knew she was crying inside and her heart was breaking into pieces, she never showed me those tears because she knew I needed her to be strong.

She was always the supportive role in the family, always there, always ready with the things we need, always filling us and making us (even our friends) busog.  [Always will really be gasgas in this entry.]

And if you ask me know how to define Love, it is Mom and all that she has been for me.

This is the first time I think that I wrote about her.  The many times I tried to before, I failed miserably.  I felt that words cannot capture how great a Mom she is (or my vocabulary and writing skills would not even be enough to capture Her Essence).

And if Words still fail me, my Heart is bursting with Love and Gratitude for Mom.  God must have loved me (and Topet) for giving her to us.

Indeed, God is good.  All the time.