lately, i find myself thinking about so many things. things that i need to do, things i want to do, things i should have done, things that passed, things that could have been. the latter thoughts are the most dangerous to dwell on. it evokes a lot of emotions, unexpressed and expressed (then), stirs so many memories, and surfaces a number of decisions i have done (and have not done). clearly, it also reminds me of my faults, the many mistakes i wish i avoided doing (though it does remind me too that i did well in so many levels and phases in my life.)
it is crazy. it is an exercise i don't want to make a habit of. but it's liberating. it frees me from all things (people included) that i hid or stashed away temporarily in my mind because i need to make me sane.
even the littlest things trigger a thought-full exercise. a sky so blue splashed with all those autumn colors and dotted with stars one late afternoon. looking at the horizon where water meets the sky, i hear quiet amidst the small waves. i taste salt in the soothing breeze. and i look far and beyond all these, transported to many things of my past like a reel of my life in slow-mo but in several channels altogether.
i tell you i wasn't even drinking alcohol then.
i have just been really thought-full lately. and while i write this, i realize that i'm doing this instrospection alone because my good friends are scattered all over this planet. these are the people i can share all my dramas and musings and still not be judged for being so overly petty and shallow or extremely philosophically deep.
i am hit with a thought --- whoever said you can't have everything is so deprived. you can have everything at THE moment.
it's just that sometimes you wish you can have that from then, that from then (super) past, this from now, and that from yesterday and this from the future.
not to be accused of being ingrata, i wish like that as of late. i just find it so nice and ideal to be probing and poking through my past --- memories, people, things --- and mix this and that to make it one scenario that becomes a happy thought.
i don't even know why i have time to have these thoughts. i am busy and at most, my time is spent taking care of people, of work, of the household. i squeeze in some ME time, and i will feel so accomplished.
but then again, i miss thinking and thinking with my good friends. kaya i'm left to think alone and from there, my thoughts go random but often purposive --- it leads me to memories and people that made me happy, at peace, and warm all over (because of love).
i do not lead a sad life.
i just think my life has become an assortment of things i do for others, always more for others than for me. it is such an adult life. and even if i give some time for myself, i always end up hurling myself back to the reality i know, others before self.
and the only thing that's devoid of a guilt trip is my thought-full exercise. it is when i am more relaxed and free to be random, to be lazy or to be selfish (esp. in choosing what thoughts to linger more than the others).
is this what one calls daydreaming?
whatever it is called, i like it, and i think i'd linger at it for awhile. it reminds me how it is to be bold and young and irresponsible and then decisive and carefree and paranoid and random and active and alive.
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| Shangri-la in Boracay, 17 May 2015 |
it is crazy. it is an exercise i don't want to make a habit of. but it's liberating. it frees me from all things (people included) that i hid or stashed away temporarily in my mind because i need to make me sane.
even the littlest things trigger a thought-full exercise. a sky so blue splashed with all those autumn colors and dotted with stars one late afternoon. looking at the horizon where water meets the sky, i hear quiet amidst the small waves. i taste salt in the soothing breeze. and i look far and beyond all these, transported to many things of my past like a reel of my life in slow-mo but in several channels altogether.
i tell you i wasn't even drinking alcohol then.
i have just been really thought-full lately. and while i write this, i realize that i'm doing this instrospection alone because my good friends are scattered all over this planet. these are the people i can share all my dramas and musings and still not be judged for being so overly petty and shallow or extremely philosophically deep.
i am hit with a thought --- whoever said you can't have everything is so deprived. you can have everything at THE moment.
it's just that sometimes you wish you can have that from then, that from then (super) past, this from now, and that from yesterday and this from the future.
not to be accused of being ingrata, i wish like that as of late. i just find it so nice and ideal to be probing and poking through my past --- memories, people, things --- and mix this and that to make it one scenario that becomes a happy thought.
i don't even know why i have time to have these thoughts. i am busy and at most, my time is spent taking care of people, of work, of the household. i squeeze in some ME time, and i will feel so accomplished.
but then again, i miss thinking and thinking with my good friends. kaya i'm left to think alone and from there, my thoughts go random but often purposive --- it leads me to memories and people that made me happy, at peace, and warm all over (because of love).
i do not lead a sad life.
i just think my life has become an assortment of things i do for others, always more for others than for me. it is such an adult life. and even if i give some time for myself, i always end up hurling myself back to the reality i know, others before self.
and the only thing that's devoid of a guilt trip is my thought-full exercise. it is when i am more relaxed and free to be random, to be lazy or to be selfish (esp. in choosing what thoughts to linger more than the others).
is this what one calls daydreaming?
whatever it is called, i like it, and i think i'd linger at it for awhile. it reminds me how it is to be bold and young and irresponsible and then decisive and carefree and paranoid and random and active and alive.
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