Waiting at a 50/50 Chance

So this is how waiting feels.

for someone quite impatient, I'm not really good at this.  from that day til now, I feel I'm on stitches.  Some heavy load seems to be weighing down on my chest.  The what ifs are here again.  I felt I wanted some rewind to do better.  But then again, it's done and the waiting begins.

Funny how sometimes I feel so confident, that I know what to say, as spontaneously and articulate as I thought and hoped.  but I end up wishing I said something else, using better words, constructed professional-sounding sentences.  looking back, the only thing that consoles me was that I was honest and sincere.

reality bites: you don't really know you want it oh so bad was when you had to wait for it after all.  you thought it was nothing.  you don't need/want it.  but you went ahead then it hits you, you want to see it fly.

and just the like those times when I'm jittery and impatient, i ramble on and on. hello, 42 year old.  you need some smack on your head.

FAITH.  always always always my lone resort when I feel i could have done better.  in the end, even if I did well (which wasn't really the case, I think), it is my Faith that allows me to believe and trust that all will be well.  because in the grand scheme of things, there is no better else to do but to give and hope for the best, and wait.

thought for today

INTERESTING TIMES.

The Irony Of It

it takes discernment, a sense of purpose and Divine Providence to not fall into the pit of that leadership abyss.  when you are unfeeling and everything else for you needs to be treated with rationality, objectivity, (to some extent a legal frame), you are a no non-sense Boss;  but there is a thin line between this and being uncaring, un-emotional, not a people-person and to some extent, indifferent and robotic.  when you are open and encourage openness, you can be accused of opening floodgates of emotional outbursts, frank candidness and irrational response to an equally irrational behavior.  when you are rigid, regimented, discourages communication and honesty, you are a model of human rights' violator.

when people say it is lonely at the top, i thought they were just being melodramatic.  on hindsight, while it is not lonely at the top, it is a spot for survival because there will always be someone, who will want that spot and would readily pounce at you to dislodge you, making you fall from Grace when all the while you thought, you were simply doing your job well.

where has Humanity gone?

Non-negotiables 101_v1

i can't play along bullshit. i.am.never.this.

i've always been low key and relied heavily on good work. i believed ever since that (good) work precedes perception (and popularity!), that a good heart precedes brilliance, an untarnished reputation precedes fame and recognition.

i know i was not raised to take shit mindlessly. i was never allowed to play dumb for success. i am what i am because i speak my mind when Time and circumstance call it. i choose my battles well but i do not cower in fear just because you are Goliath and i am perceived to be thumbelina.

hindi araw-araw pasko. tandaan mo yan.

if you were not raised with even a bit of courtesy in your body, i pity you.  kahit ikaw pa ang Ambassador to Mars, i owe you nothing.

you still have to earn my respect.  as of date, i feel nothing for you but all indifference and disgust.

This 2016

today is the 14th, and i felt the rush to blog about how i want 2016 to be, and the things I need to do. i am pretty sure that this list is random, and when am done writing (and posting!), i might not even attempt to go back to this by year-end. well, who cares?  at least, i get to blog today, and i get to dream big and wish silly.

#40NaSiAriesVacay

so off we went to Tagbilaran from Dec 11-15, 2015

was with H, Nico, Mayet and 2 seniors: Mum and Leds.  That Bohol trip was the first in so many levels and feels:  first time in Bohol (for H, Mayet and Leds), first to ride the plane (Leds), the first Visayas trip for H and his first domestic flight. All these firsts gave us a very good excuse to do all sorts of touristy things.

Day 1 was when we went to see the butterflies, the Chocolate Hills, drove the ATV (my first time!), did the zipline (first time for H and Mayet!), visited Baclayon Church (offered Mass for Dad!), did the Loboc Cruise (and had lunch there!).

Day 2 was kuyakoy and laze around in Dumaluan Resort, where we stayed.  Enjoyed their food, their room, and their in-house massage (thanks ate lucy!)

Day 3 was our Island hop --- saw a gazillion dolphins (and ran after them! chased them! them swimming after us!); they were just TOO many that i didn't know where to look!  it was such a joyful experience that we couldn't stop muttering, "Thank you, Lord!" "Wow!" a few dozen times that time.  Then we had lunch in the "Blessed Baclayon Island Cafe" where Ate cooked seafood for us and barbecued some chicken wings! it was a simple yet very satisfying lunch!  Then we went to Virgin Island (twas gorgeous!) and then Kuya Randy (the boatman) brought us to Alona Beach so we could experience the more "ma-gimik" side of Panglao.  we had the yummiest kinilaw (in the Island that is!) there, and probably the most delicious bacon-wrapped TJ hotdog. HAHAHHA

Then Day 4 was our trip to Manila.

it was also a food feast ---dumaluan's kare-kare (the best!), cheese, margarita and meat pizza!, baby back ribs, lechon kawali, calamares, squid fried with paprika, ripe mangoes, pochero, crispy pata, steamed lapu lapu, grilled lapu lapu, lapu lapu in sesame oil, shrimps! shrimps! shrimps! in all sorts of luto, beef bulalo, and brekky of bacon, eggs, chorizo, loboc cruise buffet, all those junk food (chips and chocolates), and siomai and siopao and freedom fries from naia3.  just thinking back made me gain 5 lbs. oh, and did i mention, beer na beer, san mig light and mule fest too?! and those fresh bucos that sina mum enjoyed.

the weather was like Summer --- hot, windy, breezy, cool, and starry night.

overall, it was a gratifying experience that i am thankful for.  i was with loved ones, and we were able to spend time together while enjoying the beauty of the country.  like what Mayet posted in FB, that trip was a proof and test of patience, humility, generosity and gratitude.

God is good! All the time.  Salamat po, Lord. Sa uulitin.

*pix in my social media accounts (FB and IG)

#marayafamtravels

our FBs and IGs were updated real time as we flew to Cebu and hopped around and to Tagbilaran (for a Day Tour), Ormoc then Tacloban.  we did touristy stuff (sightseeing), ate so much, enjoyed massage, the kids swam non-stop, slept and rested, and just literally, spent time together as a family.  H wasn't able to join us because he had work to do but since we were online in social media, he was updated with our movement.

as it has always been, it is difficult to put everything into writing, much more, blog about it like a travelog.  there were just too many special moments, especially of laughter, and eating a lot that cannot even be documented even by the most prolific writer.

all i can say is Thank you Lord for this blessing of TRAVEL WITH THE FAMILY.  we pray for the opportunity to do it again next year. 

Have An Angel in Doggie Heaven

Pink, we miss you.

Thank you for the love and the good time!

God bless you! *kisses and tight hug!*

What Dreams May Come

this post is not about that movie of Robin Williams.

this is about a recurring dream that i am seriously and consciously attempting to not dream about repeatedly.

but this dream comes, unfolds and awakens me completely --- i am compelled to introspect, to examine and ask myself a myriad of questions that are always left unanswered anyway --- and then i dream again.

there were days that i allowed myself to swim in that pit of bottomless joy but there were days, yes, those days when i couldn't find sense in being happy after dreaming, eventually leading me to some guilt trip.

i have talked to (some) friends, asking why those dreams come.  they couldn't understand it either.

do i dare understand it? not either.  i'd just let those dreams come and go.  after all, if they are just that, just dreams, then there's nothing to worry about.  those dreams are just worth blogging on at the most siguro.

Daydreaming Dreams

There are those days that I find myself daydreaming and thinking about what I want to do, where I want to be, and all sorts of (happy) things.  These are the days when meetings bore me to death or work just becomes too toxic or when (some) people annoy me.  Sometimes, when I'm caught between crossroads or some monumental task that I couldn't seem to diskarte on, I look back at my own experiences, and take off from how I managed in the past.

And when I find myself wanting to escape from all things and people, I find myself looking back at very happy memories I have had.  There are those memories, those that even at my lowest, of heart breaks, of failed decisions, of really stupid actions, gave me strength and (some) inspiration albeit its unpleasantness.  There were always people and faces I attached to particular memories, and how I looked back at those times with fondness.  

Somehow, there are just some things and people special enough to have remained in my heart, whose memories are kept with love and affection.  And when I am all weary and beaten, I get that key to my heart, and I flood myself with good times and truly joyful thoughts.

I don't know if this post makes sense but it is one of those days when I feel I'm neither here nor there, and the only thing that reminds me of fun it is to be alive is to daydream, look back and dream awake.

intensity

i am not even talking about the earthquake here.

this week has been ccrraazzy. and when times are these toxic, people's characters are best revealed.  at most times, you discover that beyond the quiet, graceful facade is a cunning, manipulative aggressor, who is ready to pounce on you and leave you limbless.

and your thought bubble: what a fraud.

and you'd wish that everyone would be on his/her toes and be vigilant because it is a harsh reality that you live with dementors after all.

Circumstances Our Loved Ones Put Up With

i attended a wake of a PMS colleague the other night.  it became, sort of, a necro/eulogy exercise but it wasn't the usual i think.  aside from exulting the goodness of Leo, his family reminded all of us (PMS people) about how much dedication we all give to our work.  what really struck a chord in my heart was his son's sharing --- he mentioned that his father was nowhere to be found in his wedding pictures because Leo was going out, taking calls and if not outside, texting at the side.  short of saying, he was there but not at all.

how often did we laud ourselves that we managed our Time well, how expertly we tried to balance life at work and outside?  how many weekends, dinners, movie dates with girlfriends did i have to disrupt with a call or an email because i needed to delegate or i had to follow through deliverables from someone in the bureaucracy?  how often did i doze off during conversations because i was too sleepy from paumagahan work?  how often did i have to excuse myself from a lot of celebrations because i had work to oversee?  how often have i been missing in family and friends' photos?  how often did i disturb my staff's personal time too?!

too often. almost always actually that it has become a way of life.

and now the guilt and self-frustration hit me like it never affected me before.

after all my claims of balancing my work and personal lives well, it was very selfish of me to have missed on how my loved ones felt.  and my eyes had to be opened because of someone's eulogy on someone who's work was similarly situated like me, and i tell you, Leo was a mere staff (not belittling his work but emphasizing that much is expected from everyone around here.  and the higher you go, the work magnifies in scale too).  imagine, the life of a PMS manager?

please don't ask me how i plan to address this.  hindi ko pa naiisip.

ang alam ko lang, sa kagustuhan kong mahalin ang Bayan ko, may mga tao rin pala akong nawawalang-bahala.

Dreaming Big

because one of my dreams is to be known to write really good speeches, kahit opening remarks lang sa forum na team ko mismo ang nagpa-andar, kinakarir ko ang task kong ito (because i leave the organizing and tasking to my staff!),  below is the opening remarks i drafted:

 (As delivered)

Selfie Perfect: The Status of Protected Areas in the Philippines

8/F Operations Room, PMS Building, Manila

7 May 2015

OPENING REMARKS

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

I am Pie Maraya. 

On behalf of the Human Development and Environment Policy Office (HDEPO), the team behind today’s Arlegui Forum, I welcome you to this afternoon’s discussion and knowledge-sharing, “Selfie Perfect: The Status of Protected Areas in the Philippines.”

Protection. Protected. Protective. Protect.

Wow, BIG WORDS.

Let me, however, attempt to break it down to simpler, understandable concepts.

Take for example the word, PROTECTION. Its etymology from mid-14^th century included shelter, defense, keeping, guardianship.  In the late 14^th century, it was meant to pertain to “that which protects; from Old French, proteccion (puh-tez-shun), which meant “shield.”   From the old Latin, it referred to “cover in front.”

Online dictionaries define it as an act of protecting someone or something, or the state of being protected from suffering harm or injury.  It is synonymous to safekeeping, preservation, conservation, sanctuary, refuge --- which if you ask me, are BIG WORDS as well.

But in governance, protection is not a big word.  It is a monumental task. 

States protect their interests, their territories, their natural resources, their peoples.  Individuals protect their interests, their territories (or at the very least, their homes), their properties, their loved ones.

One of the major milestones in conservation policies was the enactment of the National Integrated Protected Areas System (NIPAS) in 1992.  NIPAS essentially laid the framework in delineating, managing and protecting areas while recognizing, for the first time, the rights of indigenous peoples and other local communities dependent on these resources. 

This afternoon, our discussants will touch on various levels and specific efforts in protecting our country’s natural resources --- we have our government agencies, the rule of law and its embodiment in programs.  We have groups or individuals whose collective and personal advocacies complement the State’s interventions.  

and we have all of us here.

This is the reason why this afternoon’s discussion is an opportunity to be informed and to hopefully be inspired to be involved. 

At the end of this Forum, no matter how daunting the task of protecting, conserving is, we are enabled to reflect on how we can do our share.  no matter how big these words all seem, these are doable. 

collectively and proactively, we can.

because we care.

###

Thought-full

lately, i find myself thinking about so many things.  things that i need to do, things i want to do, things i should have done, things that passed, things that could have been.  the latter thoughts are the most dangerous to dwell on.  it evokes a lot of emotions, unexpressed and expressed (then), stirs so many memories, and surfaces a number of decisions i have done (and have not done).  clearly, it also reminds me of my faults, the many mistakes i wish i avoided doing (though it does remind me too that i did well in so many levels and phases in my life.)

Shangri-la in Boracay, 17 May 2015

it is crazy.  it is an exercise i don't want to make a habit of.  but it's liberating.  it frees me from all things (people included) that i hid or stashed away temporarily in my mind because i need to make me sane.

even the littlest things trigger a thought-full exercise.  a sky so blue splashed with all those autumn colors and dotted with stars one late afternoon.  looking at the horizon where water meets the sky, i hear quiet amidst the small waves.  i taste salt in the soothing breeze.  and i look far and beyond all these, transported to many things of my past like a reel of my life in slow-mo but in several channels altogether.

i tell you i wasn't even drinking alcohol then.

i have just been really thought-full lately.  and while i write this, i realize that i'm doing this instrospection alone because my good friends are scattered all over this planet.  these are the people i can share all my dramas and musings and still not be judged for being so overly petty and shallow or extremely philosophically deep.

i am hit with a thought --- whoever said you can't have everything is so deprived.  you can have everything at THE moment.

it's just that sometimes you wish you can have that from then, that from then (super) past, this from now, and that from yesterday and this from the future.

not to be accused of being ingrata, i wish like that as of late.  i just find it so nice and ideal to be probing and poking through my past --- memories, people, things --- and mix this and that to make it one scenario that becomes a happy thought.

i don't even know why i have time to have these thoughts.  i am busy and at most, my time is spent taking care of people, of work, of the household.  i squeeze in some ME time, and i will feel so accomplished.

but then again, i miss thinking and thinking with my good friends.  kaya i'm left to think alone and from there, my thoughts go random but often purposive --- it leads me to memories and people that made me happy, at peace, and warm all over (because of love).

i do not lead a sad life.

i just think my life has become an assortment of things i do for others, always more for others than for me.  it is such an adult life. and even if i give some time for myself, i always end up hurling myself back to the reality i know, others before self.

and the only thing that's devoid of a guilt trip is my thought-full exercise.  it is when i am more relaxed and free to be random, to be lazy or to be selfish (esp. in choosing what thoughts to linger more than the others).

is this what one calls daydreaming?

whatever it is called, i like it, and i think i'd linger at it for awhile.  it reminds me how it is to be bold and young and irresponsible and then decisive and carefree and paranoid and random and active and alive.

Viva Il Papa!

Mercy and Compassion.  big words if you ask me but these are the Pope's message that resonated all through his entire stay in the country.  He is still here in fact but like what i posted on FB:

"ngayon pa lang, kahit andito pa ang Santo Papa, iniisip ko na --- ano kayang take-away ko sa pagbisitang ito?"

"How can this Visit even be more meaningful to me, esp. after when everything is over and done with?"

The Pope in our Workplace #blessed

things that you don't want to hear

"Adik."

Adik daw kasi talaga ako.

and for those who know me too well, oo. totoo yan.

sometimes that works for me, sometimes it doesn't.  that's how confusing and complicated it becomes.

my take-away from 2014

it'd probably require an honest-to-goodness Retreat, Meditation and R&R for me to be able to exhaustively review my last year.  so for blogging purposes (and as inspired from some blog posts i read lately), here is a list of my 2014 jump-off points:

1. no matter what, do your best.  be kind.  be respectful.
people will always have that tendency to talk about you, even behind your back.  they will perceive you differently and judgingly.  regardless, go on with your life.  i realized that even when i stay holed up in my office room or decide to sashay down the hallway in my kiriray way, when people want to talk about you, they will.  i just noticed that people are more insecure and nastier, which are two deadly traits when combined compared to people of before (in the workplace, i mean).  that being said, you cannot control what they want to do with their lives.  you cannot prevent them from speaking ill or spreading rumors or concocting controversies (my staff was victimized, sadly) but you can handle these better and in a correct posture.  if evidence-based, elevate your concern to an official platform (write a memo and complain!).  if things remain to be anonymous (which, i think, is the ultimate sign of cowardice! and yes, insecurity!), just continue living a life of respect and doing well in things that you do.  the best revenge to bad people is to continue to do good and show you're unaffected.  irk them with kindness and with your "business-as-usual" attitude.  you're too busy to care anyway.

2. tell people off.
for friends and loved ones, if you know they are going astray or are doing something bad/crazy/detrimental/illegal, etc., tell them off.  even when it'd hurt them or strain your relationship, speak up.  the worse you can do is allow them to go downhill spiral.  i am blessed for having friends who are frank and honest with me. they were never mum about the (stupid) decisions i made.  while i am left to live out these decisions,  they never leave me un-advised.  no matter how often unsolicited their opinions are, they are sincere and always after my well-being.  pero matigas lang talaga ang ulo ko, and in hindsight, they gave me Words of the Wise, which i didn't heed that often. ha!

3. show your gratitude.
one of the injustices people do is to not give thanks, show gratitude and recognize where credit is due.  i really think we are afforded a gazillion of ways and means to express our being grateful.  there is no small and big way.  we are, in fact, so blessed in so many ways and means too, through people and circumstances.  even challenges and trying times are blessings.  we are strengthened and allowed to know more about ourselves and the people around us.  there are more than enough reasons for us to be thankful, really.  and yes, "thank you" is still a magic word even at this Age.

4. always remind yourself that not everything is about you.
it is good to be self-aware that we are not entitled beings.  there is no such thing as self-entitlements, privileges and automatic freebies from the Universe.  even the Drama of the Universe is not about you all the time.  wag maging pabigat.  it is with Grace that i remind myself to not be truly OA and exagg, that i'm only allowed to be OA when it's fun, pakyoot OA only.  when it is the real, annoying arte, it is no longer acceptable.

5. love your Self.
'nuff said.

Writing Urge, anyone?

Thanks to Esquire’s September 2014 (where EHeads was cover), a nostalgic wave of writing hit me.  I was reading their section on Essays, and I realized that I haven’t been writing.  Well, I haven’t been writing like I used to --- prolific, consistently melodramatic and insightful.  Over the years, due to career demands and my own personal “happenings”, my writing has dwindled from passion to scarce (in terms of quantity I suppose), from painfully frank and truthful to objective (which we claimed as “technical”) and from deluge to very erratic. And whenever I get to chance upon essays or newspaper columns (even blog posts!) that are beautifully written, I always find myself saying, “I wish I wrote that myself.” or “I could have written that myself.” or “Why didn’t I think of writing about that?!”

Even when I do say I miss writing, my life is an assortment of all things that need to be done – writing not included, unless it is required for work.  There is no more “writing for my own” where I would feverishly write everything that I feel.  I used to write how I saw the world (sounding mature and all so ideal, idealistic and knowing, now all in hindsight of course!), on how I wished my world would be.  I remember writing dedicatedly more when I was in love and in a romantic relationship.  To be young and expressive, and yes, to have all the time in the world, with nary a care. I wrote about it all – in emails I wrote friends, in letters I used to send, in a blog that I have long deleted (the posts of which I didn’t bother to save! *tears up*), in love letters I sent to my past loves (how I wanted to say “lovers” but the term made me feel uneasy as if those moments were clandestine and very underground, which were very not so).  But then again, to use it like it meant “that love that compels you to go crazy and live like it’s you and me against the world” then yes, it would then be appropriate.  My colorful, love-filled young past makes me digress.

When it comes to writing, my own writing included, then I was editing and consciously checking myself for errors.  Over the years though, I have taken it easy on punctuations --- a misplaced comma here and there (but not to alter the meaning please!). But like what Teddy Locsin Jr. said in that same Esquire issue --- all these grammar rules you let slip but if you’ve been used to reading (and writing), you can easily spot a bad sentence.  I must add, it is very easy for me to read a writing without a heart.

I have a number of staff under me, and writing is our bread and butter.  For some reason, I know when they’re into what they wrote, and I tell them when they are not.  How do I know it? If they’re into writing, they are particular about everything: their choice of words is deliberate, their “storytelling” is seamless and their coherence is spot-on.  More than anything, they are careful and attentive to details because they write for The Boss, whose decisions could be anchored on what he would read from what was written.

For most times, when I am asked to write, I think I write the simplest in my team.  My sentences are often simple, the entire document is brief, and I want to claim it as coherent and compliant to what is expected.  Writing in our workplace takes mastery and experience.  It is anchored on a defined set of standards that everyone is hoped (and expected!) to adhere to.  Before I became a boss, I was a staff then and had very meticulous mentors.  In hindsight, it was easy to learn when everything is predictable and the parameters were in place.  I would want to say that, as a boss, my standards and expectations are predictable and defined.  I look for the same things, raise the same issues, ask the same questions.  Writing is this easy.  I do not even attempt to change my staff’s style of writing.  I only edit very glaring grammatical errors.  I let MS Office Apps do that job.  I am always and consistently after substance not style, and it is a known standard within the team.

How I wish, however, I could have the opportunity to read how my staff write off-work.  It must be a dream.  (Hmmm… I could probably ask them but I wonder if there would be “takers.”  I could try asking some though.)

For starters, I should go back to writing.  But when I do, I should also brace myself for opening the gates of emotions and flooding myself with realizations.  But then again, if these will compel me to write even more, then the surge of (my) innermost thoughts is welcome anytime.

And the Most Important Take-Away

The Lessons we learn.

Restraint

Two reactions I had when I heard how UP student activists treated Secretary Butch Abad: aghast and dismay.

Secretary Abad is not my favorite Secretary.   In fact, I don't think I even have a favorite among the Cabinet members.  (I do not play favorites even among my staff.  It is, I think, the ultimate sign of unprofessionalism but I digress.)

I just wished these students knew RESTRAINT and practiced it to the fullest.

But, of course, restraint, just like asserting one's rights in the context of democracy, is anchored on Respect.

Secretary Abad might not have earned their Respect but these students should know better, specially in articulating their Cause.

No matter how we hate, and with such disdain, loathe some people, do we hurt them consciously? 

I want to think that these students' parents have taught them well.  However, no matter how I tried to rationalize what they did, just so I can make their actions excusable, I cannot accept how they acted. 

I thought UP students are cut above the rest.

Probably, not anymore, and not all. 

(Kung ganyan kayo, sayang ang binabayad naming buwis. Sa iba na lang sana mapunta.)