i have been negligent of this blog, and i have only myself (and my circumstances!) to blame. been busy then got lazy then writer's block (naks!) then lost iphone.
then i learned that i passed the Career Executive Service Board Exam (Phase 1: Written Exam) that qualifies me to assessment (on the job evaluation of some sort)
then a talk with a dear friend and short chats with another dear friend in between the busy-ness of my so-called "simple life."
then a daily blog visit to all my links in this blog but never a new post. how irresponsible could i be?
when i fail to write, even the shortest posts, especially when there are news and lessons worth sharing --- i am guilty of being so --- what's the word? uncreative.
sometimes, like today, all i want is to ramble and type away, not for mere compliance of keeping a blog and having at least one post daily but for one or two loved ones, who might be checking on my blog every single day just to find out if i am okay. or for a friend or two who simply want to maki-tsismis (who does not want juicy, provocative stories, right?).
not that i feel artista or some personality who is feeling "responsible" to her readers (although i wannabe a lot of things every now and then --- like, be Samantha Sotto for this week); it's just that i have to remind myself that keeping a blog is a commitment i agreed to taking so there is no point not writing because it speaks poorly of how un-committed i have become. of course, i do not like to appear non-committal, uncommitted or fearful of commitment because i am not that. it's just that there are those times, like this!, that i have a lot to write about but i cannot, for the life of me, organize my thoughts and systematically and coherently fashion them into words as beautifully as most of my blogging friends do.
sometimes, i do think that my research writing has already turned me into a serious, with a capital S, non-feeling writer, which makes me insecure to blog (i do not want to sound so intelligent and geeky because my friends know the real me!). there are also times when it hits me --- unlike my weight (i lose so much of it when i am in the darnest, most pitiful state of being), i cannot write when i am in control of things, when i feel that the Universe does conspire with me, that God is extra generous with my wants and needs, when i am happy and there is no reason to rant and put everything online making my friends panic and send their hugs and "we are here for you" emails.
my own preoccupation to work (ack!) and happy thoughts never compelled me to blog.
i know that i write (blog! that is) when i am in my most kawawa self, when the world seems to be all against me or when the forces of evil have punched me hard and have won the first 3 rounds. clearly, all these make me a certified drama queen, and i don't want to be a consistent hands down winner for storyteller of the year-tragedy category. i want to be a messenger of triumph, a chronicler of joyful packages, a writer of positive vibes. i want to be like maya angelou who inspires and empowers women or a my blogging girlfriends who seem to be oozing with creative writing juices.
but Someone does work in mysterious ways. He is silent yet He is deafening. He is loud yet encouraging. He is present but never intimidating. my life has been His canvas of some sort because it has been colorful and yes, dramatic. yet i could not chronicle every thing. and then i realize, sometimes, things happen and you just want to bask in it --- not because you do not want to share, not because you do not want to write --- it is simply your recognition of your limitation --- that your words might not be beautiful or fitting enough for the grandeur of the lessons that hit you ---
when i lost my phone a few days ago, i was crying my heart out not because i had to buy a new one (and i know how insanely expensive it is!) but because i felt so violated. then i wondered how people can find pleasure in deriving happiness (and income!) from others' misery. there i was, trying to compute in person days how much work i needed to accomplish to get a new unit while there was one (or probably a syndicate of empowered women) whose ingenuity of snitching people's stuff is his/her/their way of life. life is difficult, reality is more cruel but i choose to do better (and not ride the MRT during rush hours). after all, they might have gotten my phone but it is a useless gadget after my call to Globe. sayang ang effort nila but thanks to them, i am no longer a virgin in the harshness of street life.
then a piece of good news lands my way --- i had this urge (i should listen to my urges more often, that could have saved me from losing things --- side story: i did feel like taking a cab or a longer route, take the train to Taft then start from there but i didn't listen to me!) --- i had this urge of checking CESB's website in case the results of the written exams are released already, and it were. i saw my name (i didn't recognize me though as it was still my married name, and i have been using my maiden name, albeit unofficially, for the longest time), and it was a happy surprise. of course, after i took the exam then, i hoped to pass then decided to forget about it. however, since i wrote my boss and notified him last week that i am leaving the organization soon (will just finish my Project), i thought i needed to find out whether i made it to the next phase of CESO-hood so i am well-stocked and armed should i go back to government service. it would give me extra leverage to aspire for a higher position (not necessarily better-paying), where i can do more.
now that i know that i passed it and about to go through the next phase --- i now ask myself if, without fear or coercion, in certain terms, whether i am 100% sure to be going back to government.
surprisingly, i am. i am looking forward to it in fact. i just hope PMS calls me very soon for interview or else, i might be involved again, putting icto in place and ensuring that it works the way it must be (like how cict was created and put in place).
these times are sweet. there are so many blessings popping here and there and as many trials too, which balance me --- reminds me to not be too complacent, to not be haughty and rest on my laurels, to not take people and things for granted, to not attribute every thing to my goodness and kagalingan. all these are not my doings entirely. i had a lot of help.
i am done with my research and actually look forward to more writing (serious) stuff but hope to blog more --- or ramble like this. (i know that my friends and loved ones who get to read this post will find themselves pagod as if running a 3K marathon and going unprepared. my sentences are long and far from being grammatically perfect but heck, i blogged.
at least, i had to start somewhere, again.
then i learned that i passed the Career Executive Service Board Exam (Phase 1: Written Exam) that qualifies me to assessment (on the job evaluation of some sort)
then a talk with a dear friend and short chats with another dear friend in between the busy-ness of my so-called "simple life."
then a daily blog visit to all my links in this blog but never a new post. how irresponsible could i be?
when i fail to write, even the shortest posts, especially when there are news and lessons worth sharing --- i am guilty of being so --- what's the word? uncreative.
sometimes, like today, all i want is to ramble and type away, not for mere compliance of keeping a blog and having at least one post daily but for one or two loved ones, who might be checking on my blog every single day just to find out if i am okay. or for a friend or two who simply want to maki-tsismis (who does not want juicy, provocative stories, right?).
not that i feel artista or some personality who is feeling "responsible" to her readers (although i wannabe a lot of things every now and then --- like, be Samantha Sotto for this week); it's just that i have to remind myself that keeping a blog is a commitment i agreed to taking so there is no point not writing because it speaks poorly of how un-committed i have become. of course, i do not like to appear non-committal, uncommitted or fearful of commitment because i am not that. it's just that there are those times, like this!, that i have a lot to write about but i cannot, for the life of me, organize my thoughts and systematically and coherently fashion them into words as beautifully as most of my blogging friends do.
sometimes, i do think that my research writing has already turned me into a serious, with a capital S, non-feeling writer, which makes me insecure to blog (i do not want to sound so intelligent and geeky because my friends know the real me!). there are also times when it hits me --- unlike my weight (i lose so much of it when i am in the darnest, most pitiful state of being), i cannot write when i am in control of things, when i feel that the Universe does conspire with me, that God is extra generous with my wants and needs, when i am happy and there is no reason to rant and put everything online making my friends panic and send their hugs and "we are here for you" emails.
my own preoccupation to work (ack!) and happy thoughts never compelled me to blog.
i know that i write (blog! that is) when i am in my most kawawa self, when the world seems to be all against me or when the forces of evil have punched me hard and have won the first 3 rounds. clearly, all these make me a certified drama queen, and i don't want to be a consistent hands down winner for storyteller of the year-tragedy category. i want to be a messenger of triumph, a chronicler of joyful packages, a writer of positive vibes. i want to be like maya angelou who inspires and empowers women or a my blogging girlfriends who seem to be oozing with creative writing juices.
but Someone does work in mysterious ways. He is silent yet He is deafening. He is loud yet encouraging. He is present but never intimidating. my life has been His canvas of some sort because it has been colorful and yes, dramatic. yet i could not chronicle every thing. and then i realize, sometimes, things happen and you just want to bask in it --- not because you do not want to share, not because you do not want to write --- it is simply your recognition of your limitation --- that your words might not be beautiful or fitting enough for the grandeur of the lessons that hit you ---
when i lost my phone a few days ago, i was crying my heart out not because i had to buy a new one (and i know how insanely expensive it is!) but because i felt so violated. then i wondered how people can find pleasure in deriving happiness (and income!) from others' misery. there i was, trying to compute in person days how much work i needed to accomplish to get a new unit while there was one (or probably a syndicate of empowered women) whose ingenuity of snitching people's stuff is his/her/their way of life. life is difficult, reality is more cruel but i choose to do better (and not ride the MRT during rush hours). after all, they might have gotten my phone but it is a useless gadget after my call to Globe. sayang ang effort nila but thanks to them, i am no longer a virgin in the harshness of street life.
then a piece of good news lands my way --- i had this urge (i should listen to my urges more often, that could have saved me from losing things --- side story: i did feel like taking a cab or a longer route, take the train to Taft then start from there but i didn't listen to me!) --- i had this urge of checking CESB's website in case the results of the written exams are released already, and it were. i saw my name (i didn't recognize me though as it was still my married name, and i have been using my maiden name, albeit unofficially, for the longest time), and it was a happy surprise. of course, after i took the exam then, i hoped to pass then decided to forget about it. however, since i wrote my boss and notified him last week that i am leaving the organization soon (will just finish my Project), i thought i needed to find out whether i made it to the next phase of CESO-hood so i am well-stocked and armed should i go back to government service. it would give me extra leverage to aspire for a higher position (not necessarily better-paying), where i can do more.
now that i know that i passed it and about to go through the next phase --- i now ask myself if, without fear or coercion, in certain terms, whether i am 100% sure to be going back to government.
surprisingly, i am. i am looking forward to it in fact. i just hope PMS calls me very soon for interview or else, i might be involved again, putting icto in place and ensuring that it works the way it must be (like how cict was created and put in place).
these times are sweet. there are so many blessings popping here and there and as many trials too, which balance me --- reminds me to not be too complacent, to not be haughty and rest on my laurels, to not take people and things for granted, to not attribute every thing to my goodness and kagalingan. all these are not my doings entirely. i had a lot of help.
i am done with my research and actually look forward to more writing (serious) stuff but hope to blog more --- or ramble like this. (i know that my friends and loved ones who get to read this post will find themselves pagod as if running a 3K marathon and going unprepared. my sentences are long and far from being grammatically perfect but heck, i blogged.
at least, i had to start somewhere, again.
No comments:
Post a Comment