test of patience

it is almost 11AM, and i just finished breakfast with the troop. now i am back in bed where all my boys are still sleeping soundly beside me, by my feet, by my hip, the other one is somewhere nearby. when mr p wakes up, we tune in to TV5 to watch their news then change to Eat Bulaga. my afternoon is relatively easy, spent usually online, in our room upstairs because the little one (in age, not in size) wreaks havoc when i am around (he is a brat i know and i should be punished), and if this is any indication how a spoiler i would be to my own child, i am so ready to be whipped but will still be as giving and kunsintidora. so i digress..

back to my lazy afternoon, i nap and watch tv or play with my fave apps. i wait until mr p comes home then i join him for dinner and spends time (again) with my boys until we are all ready to sleep.

it is a slow-paced, steady routine, nonetheless responsibility-filled because there is a household to run. the boys seemed to be so used to having me 24/7 that the little (big) one (more apt term, finally!) welcomes me back so fiercely after i spend time upstairs or run errands outside (i tell you, doing the grocery has never been this seriously taken ever since!).

i could get used to this. i know. mr p always tells me that he can provide for me. i know that. but i am not used to that kind of life. right now, i am enjoying this break because i am without stress, and my mind seems clearer and my disposition seems better. i am more than ready to go back to working but i am waiting for THAT call. it has been 3 weeks since i have been a stay at home Mama, and almost a month of not reporting to a job. i did some completion work online for the last 2 weeks of December but from then, i was always home.

for someone who has worked since graduating from the University, i am not used to having all these (free) time really. it does afford me, however, more time to think and daydream, budget my non-existent paycheck and strategize my future workload. it feels good to plan ahead. while i love surprises (those wrapped with ribbons and those events that are meant to bring tears to my eyes out of sheer joy), i do not like being unprepared especially when it comes to tasks. i am OC in an odd way, and i find comfort knowing and being prepped with what lies ahead and beneath because i had foresight.

and all these loads of lazy times and bumming around also make me anxious. i became fidgety and more conscious when my phone rings. at the back of my mind, i find myself asking that question loaded with so much insecurity and apprehension --- are they going to call me up?

human nature does all these whirlpool of emotions that do not help in any way. one time, i remain hopeful. the other, i am scared. the next, i am patiently waiting then i become restless.

every night, i pray the Rosary with my family, and i feel lighter and more reassured after i lift all my worries to God. and every time, i tell Him how anxious i am, how impatient i am becoming, and how sorry i am for not trusting Him totally. all these waiting and joyfully anticipating some good news is a true test of my patience and faith --- faith in His control and faith in the goodness of people, hindi ako mapupulitika because i know that i went thru the application process and gave my best every step of the way. i feel so nothing, not because i am lacking but because i emptied myself completely so i will begin a clean slate. but i also ask myself whether i should give myself some timetable or else miss a new job opening that could open new possibilities.

i should be ready just in case.. whether to get my suit all ironed out or update my CV and draft an application letter. either way, this is, after all, a test of faith, in leaps and bounds, and not just of patience.