movie marathon is ♥

because i find movies my great escape, i watched 2 films today while i am babysitting the boys, who turn into monsters once mr P says goodbye and heads off to work.  i finished HOW DO YOU KNOW (Reese Witherspoon, Owen Wilson, Paul Rudd and Jack Nicholson) in two viewings because i had to calm the boys a bit since i found their play too rough for me. i would assume that i have friends, who haven't seen this so i will not discuss the plot here.  all i wanted to write about is "How do you (actually) know that you are in love?"

when i was younger, i would always associate being in love with giddy-ness.  it is exciting, and i look forward to going out on dates with the person or waiting joyfully for calls (or eventually text messages).   there seems to be the fluttering, airy, unexplainable tummy ache that seemed to reach my lungs when i see him, and the uncontrollable longing of being with him again.  when i am in love, i want to be with the person and know more about him.  it is intoxicating really,  and addictive.  it is crazy! but a happy thought all the time.  i feel like being encased in an inspiring bubble, which nonetheless makes me worry over the littlest things because i know how fragile love is, how delicate relationships are.

now that i'm older, my thoughts on love have become more grounded.  it is steady and passionate at the same time, giving and sacrificing, honest and yes, faithful.  it soothes and inspires.   there is always that secret, intimate, knowing gaze;  those private jokes that you share; the comforting touch that seems to heal.  it is as fragile and delicate yet it seems to withstand trials as if it were etched on stone.  love is never elusive yet it's not something that is sought.  i often tell friends that it hits you unexpectedly but it seems that you cannot run away from it because it is often compelling and provocative.  it forces you to see the world differently.  it allows you to go out of your comfort zone yet it gives you a semblance of security, of home.  it tests you at times, how willing you would be to sacrifice.  love, by itself, is a  lived dilemma.  it entails a gazillion and one choices, ranging from the (almost) negligible to the life-altering.  how i wish i could say that love perfects people or vice-versa because perfection is not real.  love and being in love just change you.  and whether you are changed for the better (or for the worse) is something that only (your own) history could judge.

THE BOY IN THE STRIPED PAJAMAS is a film long overdue for viewing.  i knew that i wanted to watch this when i saw its trailer from Apple.  i never got to watch it on the big screen (i don't even know if it were shown here in the first place) but i'm glad to finally have my own copy.

the most poignant scene for me here was Bruno and Schultz holding hands before they were actually incinerated to death.  friendship, born from the most trying circumstances, is made more meaningful when it continues to weather storms, including human frailties.

i am no perfect friend.  i am flawed.  there are still those times that i miss people, those i considered as friends yet who ceased to be, for a reason or two (almost always my fault as i was made to believe).  of course, i still wondered how such a beautiful bond ended sourly.  i still wondered what have become of my friend (or friends).  i also found myself asking whether i could have done better.

but there does come a time when you stop wondering.  you stop probing.  because no matter how you exhaust all your efforts trying to figure things out, you will no longer find answers.  there are just some things that seem to have eluded you, answers that dissipated.  your journey becomes a trip to nowhere.  it is difficult to let go.   (if you don't know this yet, oh well.)

i think, moving on is easier than actually letting go.  moving on is a step taken at a time until it becomes fast-paced and steady.  letting go often reminds you of your weakness, that you lack that  strong resolve to stop hanging on.  in my FB profile, i know that i wrote there, ".. if it is not worth the fight then it is worth letting go." if people continue to look back, still poke around here and there, why then let go in the first place?  unless this is a well-meant attempt to wish the other person good tidings or extend a hand in friendship, then just stop because since then, life has gone on.