there is a rice snack i consider one of my faves: palitaw. for those unaware of what it is, it is made of sticky rice flour, flattened (oblong in shape), immersed in boiling water where it will submerge then float when done. once cooked, it is coated with shredded coconut and drizzled further with sugar and sesame seeds.
my feeling of having a baby is like palitaw. for the longest time, it is submerged. i don't know why the passion and desire to have a baby dwindled, and i don't exactly know when it has set afire again lately.
i'm not in my most vulnerable, sensitive or trying times now. i think, i am in my most steady phase, where work and relationships are intact and in equilibrium. i get to have ME time and meaningful moments with friends. i no longer have issues of the past nor have illusions and daydreams of "what ifs." i am in the now, and the only future i look forward to are those that i have a grasp on and those that are blessings from above.
i don't know if i'm missing a lot for not having a child. i will never know this because, no matter how much i try to put myself in a parent's shoe, i am very certain i will never ever know what it exactly feels. (similarly put, no one will ever ever know how i felt when my marriage failed because of cheating.)
have i become so practical, to the point of simply being in the now that i have, somehow, lost the gift of excitement and joyful anticipation? have i become indifferent to the point of being apathetic?
have i lost my heart?
what i know is i have been in the midst of a very busy life: the dramas are not my wanting (but those come as part of a package i accepted sometime ago), my happy thoughts are of being with family and friends, going back to reading and embracing my small victories like being soda-coffee-iced tea free for almost 2 months now and having a happy work team. i think i have been swimming in so many things in life, basking in big and small blessings, making diskarte for the challenges that i meet along the way that i am simply thankful for what i have. and for whatever i don't have (yet), i learned to be more patient. i learned to wait.
as of late, it hit me again. thoughts of having my own baby are swimming in my head again. although it hasn't reached fever pitch in my heart, i am conscious that the feeling has gone and come. and i wonder why and then i ask myself, how?
when i don't have the answer to the "how" then i do think, now isn't time yet.
my feeling of having a baby is like palitaw. for the longest time, it is submerged. i don't know why the passion and desire to have a baby dwindled, and i don't exactly know when it has set afire again lately.
i'm not in my most vulnerable, sensitive or trying times now. i think, i am in my most steady phase, where work and relationships are intact and in equilibrium. i get to have ME time and meaningful moments with friends. i no longer have issues of the past nor have illusions and daydreams of "what ifs." i am in the now, and the only future i look forward to are those that i have a grasp on and those that are blessings from above.
i don't know if i'm missing a lot for not having a child. i will never know this because, no matter how much i try to put myself in a parent's shoe, i am very certain i will never ever know what it exactly feels. (similarly put, no one will ever ever know how i felt when my marriage failed because of cheating.)
have i become so practical, to the point of simply being in the now that i have, somehow, lost the gift of excitement and joyful anticipation? have i become indifferent to the point of being apathetic?
have i lost my heart?
what i know is i have been in the midst of a very busy life: the dramas are not my wanting (but those come as part of a package i accepted sometime ago), my happy thoughts are of being with family and friends, going back to reading and embracing my small victories like being soda-coffee-iced tea free for almost 2 months now and having a happy work team. i think i have been swimming in so many things in life, basking in big and small blessings, making diskarte for the challenges that i meet along the way that i am simply thankful for what i have. and for whatever i don't have (yet), i learned to be more patient. i learned to wait.
as of late, it hit me again. thoughts of having my own baby are swimming in my head again. although it hasn't reached fever pitch in my heart, i am conscious that the feeling has gone and come. and i wonder why and then i ask myself, how?
when i don't have the answer to the "how" then i do think, now isn't time yet.
2 comments:
well, considering how well you take care of your 4 "babies", i'm sure you'll make a great mom!
good luck on whatever you decide. :)
I think it's normal for most women to have that "longing." Siguro, while you don't have your own baby yet, you can shower all that motherly love and energy to the nephews and niece. And, the boys. And, Pink! :-)
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