everything changes.

me included.

after being (a bit) depressed, a post AC effect i'm sure, i realized that it only takes a long, restful nap and being surrounded by well-meaning, truly caring support system to make me "change." (change as defined to be: looking at the brighter side of things, appreciating that there is wisdom from even the littlest things, letting go, moving forward.)

i didn't finish the exam because time was against me (or more aptly said, i think i wasn't able to manage my time well.)  i felt like crying because i knew in my heart that if it weren't for the time constraint, i would have finished everything and would have aced it.  writing and managing are things i enjoy doing but both done under simulated situations just don't feel the same way.  in school, in books, in theories, others' opinion -- all these do not give justice what is real, actual and experienced firsthand. 

i asked for prayers after i took the exam because i felt THAT needed some miracle and a huge push (divine intervention).  during the last activity (an interview i had with my assessor), i was told that i didn't meet the required number of action papers that was needed to pass the phase but "we'll see", she added.  from there, i hope and prayed that they will look beyond quantity and review what i was able to finish (hoping that my inputs were "quality.")  i have two months to wait and continue storming the Heavens for Help.  there is hope. 


and there is reality.

and if i don't make it, i will take it again, and make sure i manage Time better.

which leads me to believe that i have changed.  (is this maturity? ansabeeeh?!)

i am more accepting, not because i am defeated or i choose to not take the defense.  i choose my battles now, and i learned that there are fights that need some brewing and sitting on before collision.  there are some issues that need immediate, knee-jerk reaction and whether the reaction would be calm or assertive or calm-assertive (as the Dog Whisperer stressed), is up to me.  and this is where wisdom comes in, and experience too.  sometimes, it seems futile to exagg things and "sweat the small stuff."  and often, my very reaction then stressed and drained me, which would prove that it was a lost case to begin with. 

this does not mean, however, that the world is brighter from my end because i'm "cooler" now.  the world remains --- chaotic, stressful, demanding, exacting.  my workplace is as busy as ever ("busy" for lack of a better term!), our home has its share of (more) activities because we have Pink, my time with mr P and friends are limited, which makes me squeeze more social meet-ups into my already insane schedule.  this is my life outside work.  it is crazy fun.  but it reminds me there is life after work.  there is Pie in the outside world.  and there is the ME time.

in many situations, i found myself feisty but not AS feisty;  bold but not careless anymore;  brave but not stupid.  i can keep my mouth shut even when i am raring to stop all BS being said and done (it's nice to watch people cringe when failures surface because they do not "think hard enough".  it's just that there are things that cannot be decided on impulse, especially when it comes to work and managing resources!). 

i learned lessons the hard way.  i am tough but my heart remains in its right place.  i remain hopeful that there is good in this world, and it will prevail all the time.  i believe in marriage, in love, in finding ever after even in the most mundane, unexpected situations.  i feel most proud after hard work.  i enjoy making my staff think.  i am happy when they write well-thought papers.  i like being inquisitive, curious and probing.  i love both politics and showbusiness.  some things do not change pala.

but the things that should .. are way better now. like how i handle crisis. how i write (i want to believe i have more depth and heart now). how i perceive things.  how tolerant i have become of people whose views, ways and everything in between are different from mine.

and if i do not care about someone or some thing, it only means one thing: THAT does not matter to me. 

and this, remains, a character constant.