today is the first time that i would admit that my size has been making me (feel) small. i promised myself that i will not get used to being size 14/16 and will strive to being a size 2/4 again. sadly, i am full of shit, and like most people, i am all talk. i have not done a single step towards getting my desired weight and size back.
there are several instances when i miss the old me, literally.
(1) when i need to buy (new) clothes or just some nice dress for a special occasion, no matter how flattering the cut and fabric are, it is difficult to dress me up.
(2) i am in between those big sizes in Malls (they are too big for me) and the largest of L in women's section. i fall in between these cracks, and believe me, it is no fun walking to and fro, trying to find a dress shirt that fits well that does not look "huge."
(3) wearing black to cover those bulges gets boring. i miss wearing bold, printed, plaid even polka dots and stripes! back then, it was so easy to grab anything from the closet. now, i have to consider my appearance, the suitability of my attire and how i feel in general. it gets tiring and yes, labor-intensive. not fun, i tell you.
(4) i feel heavy and sluggish and yes, i give in all the more prone to making those (stupid) excuses of being tamad because i can't haul my big *ss to do anything strenuous. seriously, it is difficult to tie shoe laces, cut toe nails, pick up something and all those daily and simple activities that would require bending, kneeling, stooping, squatting, etcetera etcetera.
when i remember how i was years ago, and that the more recent weight loss i had was when i got separated (end of 2007), i cannot help but remember the ease and comfort of dressing up and looking good during those times. i have been reed thin as a child but my genes and bad (eating) habits caught up on me, and i was not able to fight back.
honestly, i have never been this insecure about myself, and i want to fight this out.
i know that most people (around me) see me as independent, strong-willed, smart and got my priorities straight. i am thankful that i am all those and more but i am insecure. i feel small despite the bigness of my heart, the capacity of my brain and the abundance of my blessings. God knows about all these because i have been seeking His help and forgiveness too (if i look so ingrata and worldly).
i have been avoiding and missing out on several reunions because of three things:
(1) i don't like people (read: those who do not fall under LOVED ONES category) prying into my personal life, how my marriage crumbled, the status of my annulment, the state of my love life --- while i can always choose to either respond diplomatically or totally ignore, it gets tiring to even deal with people who are purely tsismoso without even a bit of concern for my welfare.
(2) Pinoys have a very welcoming way of greeting you, "Uy, tumaba ka?!" "Anong nangyari sa yo? Antaba mo na!" "Bakit ka lumaki ng ganyan?" In a sea of warm bodies, only a handful (if i'm lucky!) would be asking, "Musta ka na?" "San ka na ngayon?" "How are your parents? si Topet?" While i want to think i deserve all the probing on the hows and whys of my hugeness, i deserve that space to not be peppered with rudeness. hindi ko alam kung sadyang hindi na common ang common courtesy o talagang ganito lang ang mga Pinoy talaga magparamdam na welcome ka because i never experienced this with friends from overseas.
(3) both 1 and 2.
i know that, like being inggitera, being insecure is difficult to cure, if it can be treated at all. i guess, insecurity per se cannot be cured but all symptoms and causes leading to that state of being can be addressed little by little. i have so many eye-openers, personal and friends' experiences, about how being obese (or overweight) or huge is a disincentive. no matter how intelligent, accomplished, kind-hearted one is, s/he is judged "measured" by first impressions. i'd want to avoid that situation when i'd resort to a legal battle just because i couldn't get employed because i am seen as fat. realistically speaking, no matter how babaw it may seem, there are just some companies who don't hire because you weren't appealing to them physically. it might be unjust, it might be discriminating but it is the truth. out there, there are situations when size does matter, and it matters bigtime.
more than anything, i have my insecurity to deal with.
it does not feel right that i feel this way but i should not be in denial anymore, no more na. i am generally happy about everything in my life but my weight, size and overall appearance make me feel small and anti-social.
i am tired looking like this because i know i can lose weight and go back to my size/weight that can afford me to dress up and feel good about myself. friends who might read this might think i have gone crazy or that my measure of happy-ness and accomplishment has been confined to numbers: 110lbs. or size 6. well, my friends will always understand me anyway. i could go crazy and all serious and then materialistic and forever spiritual but they also know that my weight journey has to be dealt with, once and for all.
my facebook page has an album of my profile pictures. there are concrete, tangible, visual proofs of my weight changes. hopefully, i would be able to chronicle my journey to a healthier me too.
for the meantime, let me check my calendar so i can start several pre-runs. Ilog Pasig Run, here i come. help me get my groove back. and let's sweat that insecurity away!
there are several instances when i miss the old me, literally.
(1) when i need to buy (new) clothes or just some nice dress for a special occasion, no matter how flattering the cut and fabric are, it is difficult to dress me up.
(2) i am in between those big sizes in Malls (they are too big for me) and the largest of L in women's section. i fall in between these cracks, and believe me, it is no fun walking to and fro, trying to find a dress shirt that fits well that does not look "huge."
(3) wearing black to cover those bulges gets boring. i miss wearing bold, printed, plaid even polka dots and stripes! back then, it was so easy to grab anything from the closet. now, i have to consider my appearance, the suitability of my attire and how i feel in general. it gets tiring and yes, labor-intensive. not fun, i tell you.
(4) i feel heavy and sluggish and yes, i give in all the more prone to making those (stupid) excuses of being tamad because i can't haul my big *ss to do anything strenuous. seriously, it is difficult to tie shoe laces, cut toe nails, pick up something and all those daily and simple activities that would require bending, kneeling, stooping, squatting, etcetera etcetera.
when i remember how i was years ago, and that the more recent weight loss i had was when i got separated (end of 2007), i cannot help but remember the ease and comfort of dressing up and looking good during those times. i have been reed thin as a child but my genes and bad (eating) habits caught up on me, and i was not able to fight back.
honestly, i have never been this insecure about myself, and i want to fight this out.
i know that most people (around me) see me as independent, strong-willed, smart and got my priorities straight. i am thankful that i am all those and more but i am insecure. i feel small despite the bigness of my heart, the capacity of my brain and the abundance of my blessings. God knows about all these because i have been seeking His help and forgiveness too (if i look so ingrata and worldly).
i have been avoiding and missing out on several reunions because of three things:
(1) i don't like people (read: those who do not fall under LOVED ONES category) prying into my personal life, how my marriage crumbled, the status of my annulment, the state of my love life --- while i can always choose to either respond diplomatically or totally ignore, it gets tiring to even deal with people who are purely tsismoso without even a bit of concern for my welfare.
(2) Pinoys have a very welcoming way of greeting you, "Uy, tumaba ka?!" "Anong nangyari sa yo? Antaba mo na!" "Bakit ka lumaki ng ganyan?" In a sea of warm bodies, only a handful (if i'm lucky!) would be asking, "Musta ka na?" "San ka na ngayon?" "How are your parents? si Topet?" While i want to think i deserve all the probing on the hows and whys of my hugeness, i deserve that space to not be peppered with rudeness. hindi ko alam kung sadyang hindi na common ang common courtesy o talagang ganito lang ang mga Pinoy talaga magparamdam na welcome ka because i never experienced this with friends from overseas.
(3) both 1 and 2.
i know that, like being inggitera, being insecure is difficult to cure, if it can be treated at all. i guess, insecurity per se cannot be cured but all symptoms and causes leading to that state of being can be addressed little by little. i have so many eye-openers, personal and friends' experiences, about how being obese (or overweight) or huge is a disincentive. no matter how intelligent, accomplished, kind-hearted one is, s/he is judged "measured" by first impressions. i'd want to avoid that situation when i'd resort to a legal battle just because i couldn't get employed because i am seen as fat. realistically speaking, no matter how babaw it may seem, there are just some companies who don't hire because you weren't appealing to them physically. it might be unjust, it might be discriminating but it is the truth. out there, there are situations when size does matter, and it matters bigtime.
more than anything, i have my insecurity to deal with.
it does not feel right that i feel this way but i should not be in denial anymore, no more na. i am generally happy about everything in my life but my weight, size and overall appearance make me feel small and anti-social.
i am tired looking like this because i know i can lose weight and go back to my size/weight that can afford me to dress up and feel good about myself. friends who might read this might think i have gone crazy or that my measure of happy-ness and accomplishment has been confined to numbers: 110lbs. or size 6. well, my friends will always understand me anyway. i could go crazy and all serious and then materialistic and forever spiritual but they also know that my weight journey has to be dealt with, once and for all.
my facebook page has an album of my profile pictures. there are concrete, tangible, visual proofs of my weight changes. hopefully, i would be able to chronicle my journey to a healthier me too.
for the meantime, let me check my calendar so i can start several pre-runs. Ilog Pasig Run, here i come. help me get my groove back. and let's sweat that insecurity away!
2 comments:
I have the same problem, sis. i haven't shed off my pregnancy weight and baby-bo is turning two next weekend. most people think I'm pregnant again (come to think of it, the two persons who asked me if i'm pregnant on the first meeting were both pinays. haha).
my problem now is I've been feeling numbness not just on my hands (due to CTS) but also on my feet. I fear that my blood circulation is not that good because I'm not moving that much (tamad kasi).
i hear you, pie! in fact, i've experienced most of the things you said. but when i started to lose weight, i realized i was really doing it for myself and not for other people. it feels better when i look at it that way. so go pie! and don't mind the naysayers. a person's real beauty is found in her eyes. and when i see yours, especially when you smile, i see the same Pie from block A4 and i just know you haven't lost your beauty. ;) tara, gym tayo!!! ;)
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